also didnt mention im back in contact with monika! not constant, of course. but lu finally got through to it without it blocking us. very glad.
i like them a lot and ive felt awful about how abruptly we lost contact. alsssoooo that im happier than id expected to be talking to luka & ash again.
we all have each others numbers and julia was on call with ash the night i slept over but, its different being in the gc. always active. always poppin.
someones always talking about something. although..that might just be my need to be in an active chat. it never really seems to matter who im talking to,
but the fact that im talking to more than one person at once. is it the attention? no, because rarely am i the focal point of a conversation. at least i dont think.
but.. whether it was vince & fabio, brody & puppy, ash & luka.. i feels good to be a part of something. lmfao who knew right??? i havent been in
school or any social activities in so long that meerly being in a groupchat makes my heartbeat quicken. pathetic, but whattaya gonna do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
speaking of those two, brody & puppy. brody says i no longer exist in her world! waaaa, how will i deal? piss house wannabe bimbo doesnt think i exist.
right back at u. you know that hurt. posting fuckin TYLENOL "wwwwim gonna kms miwa weft me TT__TT" pfahahahahah. k. youre still funny. trying to act
tough. www ww wwwwwwwwwwwww im am rollllling wwww w ww w w w!! and while im at the subject of laughing at others' pain.. heheoeheheo.. have i
mentioned im in recovery? RECOVERYYYYY BIIITCH???? RECOVERY FROM WHAT? BEING TOO SMART?? godddd i hate having to dumb myself down
for people ESPECIALLY my dad. long story short niko was in the ward for a week because our phones got looked through and his mom read our mail.
worst week fuckinggg ever. i am beyond surprised at how quickly the urgency of all this has dissipated? my dad is still looking at all my texts but he seems..
almost defeated. i keep reinstating that i 'only have to listen to him for another year.' in all honesty, no, i dont want to leave home right away.
i KNOW it would be difficult, i KNOW i would 'struggle out there'. but if i REALLY want to leave this house, i can. legally, i can. im supposed
to be trying to get better now. moreso than before. sure.. ugh. better. better better better & normal normal normal. i truly believe i will be like this for the
rest of my life. my short, wonderful life. its laughable.. that they think im going to change because they want me to. nooo.. sorry but no. i see how badly my existence
weighs on my family. they dont want me gone though, despite how much shit i cause. all these sleepless nights caused by worrying about me. it will all go away if you let it.
no one will tell me why im being fought so hard for? 'because we love you' URRRGHHH SURE YOU DO!!! i get that!! you love me i get it!! i dont ask to be loved
though! ill ive ever asked was to be left alone. but you people seem to be as stubborn as i am. you want recovery? then i'll recover. but i wont be cured.
you cannot cure evil. i know how fucking dumb and juvenile i sound but for the last two weeks i have been reminded & REMINDED of how 'disturbed' and abnormal i am.
and im continuing to prove you all right. i never DENIED being disturbed.. im just at peace with it. i dont know why my thinking patterns are wrong and YOURS are right.
the things i know cant be unlearnt or unfelt. and you can laugh at me and mock me all you want because theres not a doubt in my mind that im right. im at peace
and you are not. you choose to pick on me because i am sure of myself and i am content. trying to pick me apart will not aid you at all. you might THINK it does.
bullying me may give you that little endorphin rush. but in the long run youre just training yourself to dismiss what you cant wrap your head around.
i already have the lead in this situation & i havent even been evaluated yet. major ego boost there, as if i need it. for example: today my dad had a headache.
thats fine right? yeah. he had a headache and i know that puts him in a bad mood so i sat quietly in the living room all day long & finsihed up my school hours from
this week. upon coming into the living room to stuff his face with food, he looked at my phone. alas! i texted niko fucking ONCE WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
hooooo how dare i. didnt say anything wrong though! because apparently now theres a right & wrong way that im allowed to speak to my boyfriend. but at
the end of my message i said "i kiss u" which is, according to my dad, unheard of for teenagers in love to say they wanna kiss each other. that led him to once again go on
about 'youre too obsessed with him', 'youre not in love with him', 'you dont even know him', and many more things of the same sort. and he said that since i used my phone while
he was sleeping, i dont get it for the rest of the night. so naturally i start bawling. i pull the 'why do you hate me', 'i thought you wanted me to get better', 'what did i do wrong' waa waa
bullshit. works every time man. almost every time.. i gave him all my blades so its not like hes scared im gonna go cut, but i know that my dad doesnt hate me.
and no matter how bad he is at showing it, he doesnt want me to feel like shit. so im crying in the living room & he's yelling from his room that 'DONT WORRY I CAN HEAR YOU'
as if im crying FOR him. idc if you can hear me. then he tells me to shut up & by this point i was genuinely hyperventilating so i couldnt stop on the spot like that, id genuinely
worked myself up. so i start going 'you say i can talk to you but when i do you just tell me to shut up!' & i think that hurt his feelings or something bc he invited me into his room &
rubbed my back until i stopped crying and then gave me my phone lol. mission accomplished. oh and also he read my physical notebook journal & saw me write I LOVE NIKO
in blood & talk about how i want to rip ppl apart and drink their blood and spit in their empty eye sockets and stuff.. so um. im in a weird place with my dad at the moment.
i feel like everyone is walking on eggshells around me and i cant tell if i like it or not yet. i like you all being just worried enough about me for it to keep you on your toes,
but not enough that theyre going to hospitalize me again yknow? everything is so touchy.. but like always i will navigate it perfectly and at the end of the day i will always get what
i want in one way or another. "your privacy goes out the window when youre a threat to yourself or others." yaaaa... shuddup. whatever you guys say. ill play along for a little while.