hi everyone, 1:31pm sunday february twenty eighth. i mentioned that ive began making some videos again, but ive had a few things to say (that i already said in
my videos) that id like to reiterate on here. firstly, i went out with julia a few days ago. shes been.. weirder than usual. she says shes 'grown sensitive to the smell of
weed' but flat-out told me she was doing dabs with some boy she likes bc 'dabs and vapes dont smell as bad'.. like oooofuckingkay just say you dont want to come over.
she wasnt weird irl? we went to a bunch of stores and dinner and had a great time. shes just... idk. idk. i cant say much because ive had more than my fair share of times
where i was acting weird towards her too.. so. i get it. im not upset with her or anything.. just.. rubbed the wrong way. but thats not what i wanted to say about that
night. what i wanted to say was, while we were in goodwill, i experienced another one of those semi out of body experiences where it feels like im in a movie. like these
coincidences cant possibly be real. like i cant possibly be the ONLY one seeing these things happen. there were two ladies, one older and one middleaged. speaking very
loudly about "how can you pray every night for peace on earth and then be mean to your neighbor the next day" & "we just need to get the kids to see that". lol.
right in front of me?! & julia didnt even hear it, she was in the next aisle buying childrens clothes to resell to 'skinny alt girls' on depop. so i was completely alone in
this scenario. goodwill was pretty goddamn empty at 7pm too. & these ladies had to chat about world peace right in FRONT of me. i swear they didnt even see me. i was
near staring at them & neither of them even looked in my direction. sometimes i think im projected into these situations just for divine insight. like maybe they didnt see me.
maybe i was in the next aisle with julia. but thats just.. idk. id say unrealistic but when have i ever limited myself to realism? i found it funny. talking about world peace
in front of someone who would slit your throats right here & now if she were able. lucky pieces of shit. continue praying though. ease urselves for as long as you can i guess.
ignorance makes my skin crawl. im sure ive said it before but how do you live 24hrs a day with your eyes closed.. pity pity pity. what else? i slept at my grandmas last night.
shit hurts. that woman is a saint. trying her best, always. shes so selfless. giving. i dont deserve her. i think thats why i was so recluctant to sleep there. she buys me coffee,
a nice dinner, she watches youtube with me, we talk for hours. she tells me im so pretty all the time. grandma things i guess, but shes so.. good at it. shes had her crazy moments
but part of this disgusting 'maturity' is realzing everyone has crazy moments. everyone has limits. different limits, mind you, but theyre still limits. that also ties into the infinite
subjectability of things. everyone is looking through a different lense. i say that despite hating anyone who disagrees with me but.. like reb said. we are flaming hypocrites. but thats
okay because we are above all of you. & you dont need to believe us because we know we're right.. anything else? oh yeah. just that im so rough towards myself for spending time
with my grandma because shes so wonderful & im going to break her heart. i dont want her to think she did anything wrong but i know she will. as backwards as it sounds, i
hope shes not around when it happens. & oddly enough i feel similarly towards my dad. but he did do something wrong. many things. hes not a bad father, i dont think. he doesnt
know how to raise a child, or a teenager, because his parents didnt exactly set the best example. let alone a FEMALE child/teenager. so i dont blame him, he too is just doing his best.
but unfortunately one's best is not always enough. & even if it was, theres nothing they can do to change me or my brain. no way they could have rasied me that wouldve made
things different. i brought this upon myself. but enough doom n gloom huh? ^___^ hope yr all doing well. i love niko & calvin to pieces. gonna get on dbd now actually, i
havent played in a few days so i probably lost any skill i may have had. god damn its 4:09pm. been writing for too long.. see ya x